When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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