you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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