New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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