Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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