she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
