I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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