im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
