I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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