Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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