The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.