Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Pooping to opera.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
