I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
