It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
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