I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
