My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
