dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
