one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Hippo gnu deer
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
