Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
