you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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