Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
