took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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