I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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