note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize