you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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