I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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