Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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