I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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