The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
