He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
