I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
