I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You are a genius and a whore.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
