u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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