I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
