I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
