Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
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