You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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