I think i peed on brittanys purse
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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