The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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