hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
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Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
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We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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