How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize