I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
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