as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
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