I wish my penis had an off switch
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
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I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
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I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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