new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
she pinky promised me she was 18
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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