quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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