its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
