Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize