Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Randomize
