Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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