The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
