I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
