Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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