I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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