I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
