I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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